One day, as I was driving my vehicle down Main Street, there were just a few cars ahead of me as we approached the railroad crossing. I heard the blast of the locomotive's whistle and saw the train coming slowly down the track toward me. I had plenty of time to cross the track before the crossing gate came down, but there was one problem: ever since I was a little child, I could not resist the temptation to watch a train go by! So, I stopped at the crossing (much to the consternation of the other drivers, I fear) and settled down to watch the train pass.

I lost count of the cars as they clickety-clacked over the crossing. Then I saw something which startled me out of my reverie: smoke was pouring out of the "hotbox" on one of the cars and evidently none of the crew knew it. I don't pretend to know much about railroading, but this I knew: "hotboxes" were not supposed to emit palls of smoke. What could I do to warn the crew?

Fortunately, I had my cellular telephone with me and I immediately dialed "911" as I had been taught to do. The phone rang several times and there was no response. Thinking that perhaps I had misdialed (Not easy to do when you are dialing just three numerals!) and being well aware that time was a crucial factor, I hung up and dialed again.

"Thank you for calling 911. If you wish to call the police, press 1 now. If you wish to report a fire, press 2 now. If you wish to summon an ambulance, press 3 now. If you need to speak with a doctor, press 4 now. If you do not wish to do any of the foregoing, press 5 now and remain on the line until the first available representative can answer your call. (Music starts in the background) {5 is pressed}

"This is 911. If you are calling about a hurricane, press 1 now. If you are calling about a tornado, press 2 now. If you are calling about a typhoon, press 3 now. If you are calling about an earthquake, seek shelter immediately and our first available representative who is not already in a shelter will take your call. If you are calling about some other emergency, please remain on the line until someone comes out of the shelter to take your call. If nobody answers your call in 10 minutes, press 4 and remain on the line until a supervisor can handle your call. If no supervisor answers your call after another 3 minutes, run like hell to the nearest shelter. {4 is pressed}

(Disembodied voice) "This is 911. All of our circuits are busy now. Please remain on the line until (crackle, pop, crack, bzzzz bzzzz)

"You have reached 911 Information. Before making a connection for you, we are required by law to caution you that false reports are a violation of Federal law. If you are not making a legitimate emergency call, you can be imprisoned for up to 5 years and fined up to $499.99, or both. If you wish to continue with your call after all of that, please enter your Social Security number followed by the pound sign." {Social Security number is entered}

"This is the 911 billing office. We regret to inform you that our records indicate that you have an unpaid balance on your record and we cannot put through a 911 call until your account is current. If you do not believe that you owe this money, press 1 now. If you are willing to pay a 911 filing fee of $62.95 to compensate the company for the costs of handling and mailing an adjusted bill, press 2 now." {1 is pressed}

"This is 911. You must first dial a 1 followed by your three-digit area code when placing a call in Maryland. Please hang up and call again. If you wish assistance in placing your call, remain on the line and our first available operator will assist you. There is a $13.35 charge for operator-assisted calls.

"The company is now offering a new service which, when activated at your home or place of business, will save you up to $9.99 per month for the first three 911 calls in any one month. This protection can be yours for only $85.00 plus a modest installation fee which can be made a part of your mortgage payment each month.

"This is your 911 operator. If you wish to place a 911 call, hang up and try again." {911 is dialed again}

"Thank you for trying 911 again. If your emergency is still valid, it could not have been much of an emergency to begin with. It is a Federal offense to place unnecessary emergency calls."

By this time, the train, which must have exceeded 150 cars, was long gone and only small wisps of smoke could be seen in the distance. I had tried to help, but the matter about which I was calling did not fit into any of the categories which the telephone company offered. It wasn't exactly a fire that I was calling about (at least in the sense that there were no flames) and there was really no category into which my problem (My problem?) neatly fit, so I suppose that it was not the company's fault that I had come up with an emergency which was not on its menu.

Nevertheless, I believed that the list of eligible emergencies needed to be expanded to include other types of emergencies such as sick puppies or other sick or injured animals, your in-laws are coming for dinner and you spilled coffee on your only dress shirt or you locked your keys in the car, etc. So, I dialed 911 because I didn't know any other emergency number to call. {911 is dialed}

"You have reached 911, your local emergency number. If you are not using a touch-tone telephone, it will be necessary for you to go to your neighbor's house and use his or her telephone. In order to avoid tying up the circuits, you must press 1 now. If you do not like the type of music which you are presently hearing as a background for your telephone calls, press 2 now. If you haven't pressed 1 in the last 20 minutes, forget it and go on to the next set of instructions."

"This is the 911 Complaints Office. To assure our customers of the finest quality of service, our supervisors may eavesdrop on your conversation as well as that of our employee. We may even record your conversation without your knowledge. Just how a cowed and intimidated employee will give better service is a question the answer to which we have been unable to discover. If you need further assistance, enter your automobile license number followed by the pound sign multiplied by your bank account number and divided by the number of frequent flyer miles now standing to your credit." {Calculations are made and entered}

"This is 911. If you see or hear about dangerous or hazardous conditions which may affect the functioning or operation of a bus line, passenger ship or freighter or a railroad, press 1 now. Your call is important to us and each call will be answered in turn Please remain on the line until your call is answered, but if it is not, please hang up and call again. Thank you for your patience and thank you for using 911". (music volume increases and then fades out) {1 is pressed; no answer; 911 is dialed again} "This is 911. What is the emergency address from which you are calling?"

{Well, there isn't exactly an address from which I am calling. You see, I am calling from my car phone and...}

"I am sorry, sir. I understand that you are calling from a phone, but we must have an address"

{But there isn't any address because my car is in the middle of the street because there was a train...}

"Oh, your car has been struck by a train? I'm terribly sorry, sir. I am dispatching emergency vehicles immediately, but because of budgetary constraints and the resulting shortage of equipment and personnel, we cannot guarantee their arrival in less than 30 minutes. Please remain on the line until the emergency vehicles arrive. Are there any dead? How many have been injured? Are you using triage? No, sir, you're thinking about CPR.

Would you please repeat your address followed by your Social Security number and directions to your house?"

{Click}. "Hello, sir. Hello. Are you still there? Hello. I simply don't understand why people are so damned impatient!"

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