The play is presented in two scenes, the first of which is in the office of Albert Gore, Vice President of the United States, and the second scene takes place in the Grand Reception Hall of the ALPHABET in Rome.

Scene One. The office of Vice President Gore.

Secretary: Mr. Vice President, the President's aide has arrived.

Gore: George Stephanopoulos?

Secretary: More or less.

Gore: All right, none of that nonsense. Show him in.

Secretary: He doesn't need to be shown in. He is thoroughly familiar with this office and all of the others between here and the White House. He looked all of them over prior to the last election. In fact, he expressed a curious interest in your office.

Gore: Yes. Yes. (pause) In my office? Well, show him in anyhow.

Secretary (with George Stephanopoulos in tow): Mr. Gore, Mr. Stephanopoulos.

Gore: George, I have a mission for you. It involves your attendance, on my behalf, at an important conference in Europe. I am waiting for someone else to arrive before I go into the details. (Knock on the door. Secretary enters with a bemedalled General) .

Secretary: Mr. Gore, General John Shalikashvili. Whew!

Gore: Come in, John. You know George Stephanopoulos.

George: Good to see you again, General Shalikashvili.

John (extending hand): Mr. Stephanopoulos.

Gore: Gentlemen, you will be filled in on the details of this mission later, but for now, I can only tell you that I want you to represent me at the Association of Lengthy Paging and Higher Aspirations By Enlightened Telemetrists (ALPHABET). In addition to the two of you, there will be three others representing the United States, and one alternate, but I am not at liberty at this time to disclose their identities. That will come soon enough. Your official orders are in these packets (handing them each a thick envelope). Do not open them until you are in a secure office. There is, however, one thing that I must caution you about and urge you to be on your guard. Our Intelligence informs us that the Chinese delegation is going to do everything within its power to make very simple things as complex as possible. Even the most basic things. That's all. Thank you, gentlemen. Now, if you will excuse me... and be careful out there.

They leave. Scene two. The Grand Reception Hall. Rome.

The Hall is crowded with diplomats, military men, national and local government officials, and other prominent persons, all clutching drinks , some smoking and all conversing in hushed tones. John and George are conversing with a member of the Pakistani Parliament. A conservatively dressed (almost somber) man enters the Hall, pauses, looks about as if seeking someone but not quite sure who. He sees John, George and the MP from Pakistan and rapidly approaches. The two Americans recognize him. He is the Los Angeles County Coroner who just arrived from California. He is the third member of the American delegation.

George (turning to the Coroner): Glad to see you, Lackey. I want to introduce you to Mr. Orathai Kanchanachusak, a member of the Pakistani Parliament.

Lackey extends his hand.
Lackey: I am pleased to meet you. I am Lakshmanan Sathyavagiswaran, Coroner for the County of Los Angeles, California.

They chat. There is a flurry of activity as a swarm of attendees rush to greet a newcomer.

John: Who is that? I don't recognize him, yet his face and bearing are familiar. I doubt that he is a military man.

Lackey: I'm going to find out who he is. He cannot be from an important delegation and, if he is not, I don't think that we should waste our time finding out who he is. I wonder if this is intended to be a gimmick by the Chinese to complicate things. Excuse me.

(He leaves, insinuates himself into a group surrounding the newcomer, chats a while and then hurries back to the American group.)

Lackey: It is as I thought. He is Viktor Chernomyrdin, Prime Minister of Russia.

Orrie: Prime Minister of where?

Lackey: Russia. Used to be an important part of the Soviet Union.

Orrie: I recall the Soviet Union, but who can remember all of those small countries which have emerged in Europe during the last decade or so?

George: Well I've heard of Russia and I have the impression that the latest policy requires that we treat them like friends.

Orrie: I must go over there to meet him. (softly to himself) Russia, Viktor Chernomyrdin, Russia, Viktor...what did they say his name was? (He excuses himself and leaves).

A more or less casually dressed figure makes his way to the group of Americans and, addresses himself to John with a heavy accent.

Alia: General, iss plessure to greet. I know it iss you by repootaysun. No?

John: I'm terribly sorry, but I do not recall your name.

Alia: Iss OK. You haff been, how you zay, beezy weeth all kinds wars, yes? You wass to Bosnia, yes? I am Pressident Bosnia, no? I am Alia Izetbegovic. A broad smile flashes across John's face as he remembers.

John: Yes, of course. Please forgive me for not recalling. Foreign names are often difficult for me to remember and when I do remember, it's hell pronouncing them.

George joins John.

George: General, I think that we should try to find out who the other members of our delegation are. We haven't a clue as to who the alternate may be, but I heard a rumor before we left that it would be some young athlete who is not well known. I understand that a gentleman has been making discreet inquiries about the background and other things concerning the members of the American delegation. I would be willing to bet that he's supposed to be a part of our group. I'm going to play my hunch and introduce myself to him and see whether he knows anything about the rest of our group. If the Chinese are going to complicate things, I want us to be prepared with a full delegation.

The General nods his head in consent. George makes his way across the room where a man is arguing points of law with an Asian woman.

George: Pardon me, sir, but you sound like an American. Are you, by chance, accredited to the American delegation?

Man: Yes, I am. And you are...?

George: I am George Stephanopoulos.

Man: I am Ranganath Manthripragada, Assistant State's Attorney of Prince George's County, Maryland.

George (with an impish look on his face:): By George, I think that you have beaten the rest of us! But there is still a member and an alternate missing. It hadn't occurred to me that, perhaps, the last delegate might have an American name. I'm going to inquire around to see if anyone by the name of Jones, Smith, Brown or the like has made an appearance and a young athlete should not be too difficult to identify.

George returns to his group and they fan out to look for a Jones, Smith, Brown, or an et cetera. Lackey stops to listen when he hears a man speaking flawless English and being addressed by his speaking companion as "Brown". Convinced that he has found the last member of the delegation, Lackey sidles up to the group and makes his inquiry.

Lackey: Gentlemen, forgive me for intruding on your conversation, but is one of you Mr. Brown?

Man: Ja! Das is Braun (pointing to one of the group). Gunther, der herr vants to speak mit you.

Lackey: No. No, thank you. I was looking for a gentleman named Brown or Smith or...

Man: Schmitt? Ja wohl. Das is Schmitt (nodding his head toward a knot of men who were quietly conversing, One of them was attired in what seemed to be a high-ranking non-military officer's uniform. Despairing of finding the last member, Lackey makes one final effort.)

Lackey: Could any of you gentlemen be a member of the American delegation?

The Uniformed officer (muttering to himself): "I very much doubt it" and (pointing to each member of his group as he names them): Dis is Oberst Gutstein. Hauptmann von Bauer. Generalleutnant Klinglehof. Major Keil. Und I am Hagen Saberschinski, Chief of Politzei, Berlin.

Lackey gives up and starts back toward the American group. "Well, one thing seems to be certain: That was not the Chinese delegation! I wonder whether all of those medals on their chests mean anything. A gentleman softly taps him on the shoulders, interrupting his reverie, and inquires in a low , rhythmic voice:

Man: Sir, I understand that you have been inquiring about in an effort to identify the missing members of the American delegation, as have I. I believe that quite possibly I could be the one whom you are seeking. I am Stanislaw Skrowaczewski, conductor of the Minnesota Symphony Orchestra.

They chat briefly and then find the rest of the delegation. The introductions are made.

George: Gentlemen, this is Stanislaw Skrowaczewski. (George turns to Skrowaczewski and whispers). I am greatly concerned that the Chairperson will reach our delegation in the roll call and we won't be complete because we have been unable to locate our alternate.

George (turning to John): Where are they in the roll call of delegates? What's holding up the proceedings?

John: They were going right along until they reached the French delegation. The French interrupted the roll call to protest that the Chair was deliberately mispronouncing the French delegates' names. One of the Canadian delegates, from Quebec, I think, joined the protest. They are trying to placate the French so that we can get down to business.(All at once, the delegates see an extremely tall, thin young man who is looking easily above the heads of everyone else in the hall.)

All: The alternate! Get him! Get him! Don't let him get away. We'll never be able to find him again!

John: I'll get him. He will know who I am and will obey my orders. The rest of you hold your positions." John places his foot on the lowest step. "I'll reconnoiter and be sure that this is not a Chinese stratagem to take this high ground from us."

(The General makes his way toward the tall, thin figure and sees the stranger turn toward him and smile with a boyish grin.)

Stranger: Are you from the United States delegation?

John: I am indeed. I am General John Shalikashvili. Are you our alternate delegate?

Stranger: Yes. I am Yegor Mescheriakov, forward on the George Washington University basketball team. I'm very sorry to be so late, but the Cubans found out who I was and ever since have been following me around trying to get me to sign a contract to play basketball in Cuba.

John: Ah hah! They have overplayed their hands this time. The Chinese often resort to such trickery in order to induce their enemies to use disguises which will make it appear as if the Taiwanese were really Luxembourgers playing the part of Bulgarians living in exile in Burma with Algerian passports.

George: What? Oh, never mind. I don't think that we need to depend on the Chinese to introduce confusion here.

(They shake hands and proceed together toward the rest of the American delegation as the Chairperson intones the names of the various countries and the names of each delegate and alternate. As their names are called, the delegates and the alternate step on to the stage briefly and then leave.)

(John introduces the alternate to the rest of the delegation and turns to George.)

John: What's the holdup now? They seem to have managed to satisfy the French . What's the problem now?

George: It's the English delegation. It seems that they are objecting to the use of Mr. or Mrs. They want their names to be used with their full titles and the Germans have taken the position that if the English titles are used, the Germans would insist on the use of their delegates' military ranks.

John: Well, I think that I agree with the Germans. Military titles add a great deal of prestige to a delegation.

George: Now look, John...

Ranganath: Gentlemen, Gentlemen! They seem to have settled the controversy and are nearly to our delegation.

Stanislaw: Yes, and the Chinese delegation is right after ours. I wonder if they will take this opportunity to complicate things. The delegates' names seem to be a source of irritation which the Chinese may attempt to exploit.

George: We are next. John, how do you think that they will use their names to make things difficult?

John: I don't know, but we are just about to find out.

Chairperson: The United States of America. Mr. Stephanopoulos; General Shalikashvili; Mr. Sathyavagiswaran; Mr. Manthripragada; Mr. Skrowaczewski; Mr. Mescheriakov.

The People's Republic of China. Mr. Chang; Mr. Wu; Mr. Ho; Mr. Lee; Mr. Ming; Mr. Wong.

NOTE: The names used in this document are those of real people except, of course, for the Chinese and German delegates!

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