MY son is of college age and is about to graduate. One would think that, by this stage in his education, he would know the answer to the question which he has presented to me for explanation. At first, I was disinclined to provide the answer because I thought that he should be able to understand as well as the rest of us do. Upon reconsideration, however, I decided to indulge him one more time, making clear my future expectations with this regard. The boy's question was, I thought, forcefully put and straightforward and, therefore, deserving of a straightforward response. After all, if he can't depend on his dad for relatively simple answers, who can he rely on? The question?

"Dad, what the hell is going on in Central Europe?"

"Son," I responded, placing a reassuring arm over his shoulders, "it's basically a family matter, involving the Ia1 family."

"The Ia family?" queried he.

"The Ia family," I replied. I could see that this wasn't going to be as simple as I had at first thought.

"Nobody knows exactly how, when, where, or why it all started, but start it did, and spread throughout Central Europe and into Asia as well as parts of Africa, extending to South and North America. Starting immediately after World War I, the three northernmost Ia children were born: Eston, Lithuan, and Latv. These three have succeeded in sticking together through good times (which were relatively few) and through adversity. The era between the two World Wars was, for the most part, a happy one for them, but their greatest fears were realized when the head of the family, Russ, assumed guardianship of the three just about at the beginning of World War II, against their wills and despite the good intentions of their neighbors." I realized that I had gone astray already and I briefly returned to the subject before going on to the question of Central Europe.

"Unfortunately," I continued, "the three suffered through World War II under the complete control of Russ until, beset by his own post-war internal difficulties, Russ regurgitated the triumvirate so that they are now, in a manner of speaking, free."

"In the Balkans, things were much worse, for each member of the family was vying for hegemony or dominance over his neighbor, notwithstanding the fact that they all (or nearly all) belonged to the same family. Prior to World War I, Austr married outside of the family with a neighbor whose name was Hungary and the couple formed an empire. But the life of this empire was to be exceedingly brief, consistent with the predictions of the other family members who saw this union as doomed from its inception. As foreseen, the couple, swaggering confidently into war with its more powerful neighbors, was severely beaten in World War I and the marriage was dissolved. The fact that Russ was also defeated provided little comfort. Shortly before the outbreak of World War II, Austr was kidnapped by its neighbor in what was called 'the Anschluss' and it was held in captivity throughout the war."

"That same neighbor," I continued, " similarly seized Czechoslovak, who was a very distant member of the Ia family and later descended upon two more members of the Balkan Ias: Ruman and Bulgar. I regret to say it, but those two brought no honor to the family, for they co-operated with the aggressor until it was apparent that Russ, and not the aggressive neighbor, would win the war. That same avaricious neighbor seized yet another member of the Balkan Ias, Yugoslav, and even as the war raged, the Yugoslav branch of the family fought a bitter internecine war, ending with a close affiliation with the victorious Russ. But worse was yet to come, for, as will be seen later, the branch of the family which Russ headed, completely disintegrated and this indirectly led to the breakup of the Yugoslav branch."

I paused and watched my son staring at me with enraptured eyes portraying disbelief.

"Many of the Yugoslav children who had lived independent lives prior to World War I and had lived in relative peace and harmony until World War II once again deserted the family and formed new branches as hostile to one another now as they had been before and during World War II."

"The Yugoslav branch was literally shattered and there fell out of this explosion a half dozen or so new family groups which, in reality, remained the same as before the World War I conflagration. To name a few, there was Bosn, Serb, Macedon, Croat, Sloven, and Alban, the last of which was not really a member of the Yugoslav branch. It seems as if there had never been a cessation of the warfare in the family, for they resumed the fighting with increased ferocity. Nobody is quite sure of what the fighting is about. From time to time, however, there is a truce until somebody remembers why they are fighting and the warfare is resumed. The neighborhood policeman, Boutros Ghali-Ghali, Secretary General of the United Nations, was dispatched to the scene in an effort to bring about a cease-fire, but, through no fault of his, he has been singularly ineffectual. And so, as it has done for more than 80 years, the family is destroying itself."

I paused again, took a deep breath, and then resumed the narrative.

"I mentioned Boutros Ghali-Boutros and that brings to mind the rather curious policy of the United Nations under which, even while a fight is raging, Boutros Boutros-Boutros is sent scurrying to the commanders of the contending armies to bring about a peace, of sorts. This mission generally fails, but should it succeed for some inexplicable reason, and peace, however fragile, is attained in the land, a United Nations "Peace-keeping" force is dispatched with its peace-keeping equipment, consisting of artillery, missile batteries, tanks and armored assault vehicles. So long as there is no fighting, the "Peace-keepers" remain in position, but as soon as the peace is broken, the "Peace-keeping" force is withdrawn, leaving the hostile armies to fight unmolested. In order to withdraw, however, it is apparently seen as necessary for the United States to intervene and to rescue the "peace-keepers". A massive force is assembled for the rescue operation and is then landed and proceeds to evacuate the "Peace-keeping" force. After the rescue force completes its mission, another, even larger, United States force is landed to assure that the rescue force can, itself, be extricated. Naturally, to avoid the danger that the extrication force will be unable to reembark unimpeded, an even larger force is used to evacuate the extrication force. As may be perceived, this results in a fascinating shuttle service, but does little either to restore the peace or to reduce the number of United States soldiers on foreign territory."

"But that is not the end of the tale. As was previously mentioned, Russ' part of the family collapsed and dispersed members all over eastern Europe. In one direction went Armen while Georg went in another direction. For the first time, the family encountered a serious rival family---the Stans.2 Being unaccustomed to rivalry, the Ia family, then consisting of the two branches plus Russ, reacted in accordance with its age-old predilections: it girded for war. Actually, it was Armen and Russ who carried the bulk of the conflict, but, fortunately for the war-weary Ias, the hostilities were soon brought to a close. An uneasy truce prevails, but even the most optimistic would hesitate to risk a bet on the duration of the truce. It is difficult to comprehend the reasons for the vicious nature of the warfare among the members of the same family; there is certainly a deep-seated hatred among the former members of the Yugoslav branch which is unlike any other on earth. They are determined to destroy one another completely and they seem unconcerned with the genocide practiced each upon the other. Why they are more set upon destruction of their brethren than upon any hostile outsider is a question which apparently will never be answered."

"The Ias of Central Europe are not the only significant family members on earth. Just how the Ias came to be scattered over the world is not fully understood. Their character resembles very much that of the belligerent European Ias, but at the moment, all seems to be peaceful. In the Middle East, there is Syr which certainly must be numbered with its hostile European brethren, and Saudi Arab. Africa is home to Ethiop, Tanzan, Somal, Liber, Niger and Alger. Farther east, in Asia, where Russ is still dominant, there is Mongol and, not too far away, is Ind, which is constantly preparing for war with its Stan family neighbor, Paki. The Ias have not limited their family lands to Europe, Asia and Africa. They have even made their way across the high seas to settle in South America. There the Boliv and Columb families live and represent the Ias in the southern hemisphere."

His eyes were beginning to close and I could see him fighting to keep them open. Gone, along with the stories of fighting, violence, and conflict, were the looks of wide-eyed excitement dancing across his face. Yet, I could not complete my answer to his question without looking at the United States. Before that, however, brief mention should be made of the Ia family's presence in its own continent, ruled by that peace-loving Austral. Not far away is the land ruled by Cambod and its neighbors, Malays and Indones.

"Before we end this trip around the world of the Ias, a word of caution must be offered. It is important that one not confuse certain 'sound-alike' family members with the Ias, to whom they bear no relation. Examples would be Chechn, Ken and Lib of the Ya family. There is also the Land family which includes such ancient nations as Fin, Switzer, Ice, and Green. Finally, when you look at the United States, you will be introduced to Californ, Virgin, West Virgin, Pennsylvan, and Georg,3 all proud members of the Ia family. These family members consider themselves, and the nation of which they are a part, to be an outstanding example of how a nation can live in relative peace for more than three centuries, but it is, unfortunately, true that the history of the United States is one of war and conquest, at least in the 18th and 19th centuries. Not unlike its brethren in the Balkans, the North American Ias fought a bitter war of brother against brother, the scars from that struggle surviving to this day."

"By this time, if you have been paying attention, you have the answer to your question. Do you understand now? Son? Son? Hello. Well, I suppose that the United States is as appropriate a place to stop as any."

Revised 7/25/95

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