The Story
The play takes place in Finland at the castle of the late King Lear, father of young Lear, Prince of Finland, and nephew to the present King, Claudius. The scene opens with Lear walking through the dark halls of the castle, carrying a lit candle, and searching for his room. Since there is apparently no one else awake, Lear feels free to discuss his situation with himself.

"2B or not 2B. That is the question. But I know the question; it is the answer which I seek. It is always the answer which I seek. I need more choices!"

As he feels his way along the dark corridors, Lear sees the King kneeling in prayer. That reminds young Lear that he had something to do which he had promised his late father that he would take care of as soon as he could. Lear thought and thought and at last it came to him that he had promised his dad that he would kill the present King because the King had murthered1 Lear's father in order to succeed to the throne of Finland. Oh, yes---the present King had also married Lear's mother, the Queen. But we are getting ahead of our story.

Late one night, the ghost of the dead King Lear appeared on the battlements of the castle ( called L. C. Nor) all dressed up in armor and was seen by a couple of guards who told Horatio, Lear's close pal and best buddy, about it. Horatio, naturally, thought this somewhat strange, if not down right weird, and hastened to inform Lear. Lear agreed that this was, to say the least, unusual and called for investigation.

The next night, Lear went up to the battlements and, sure enough, the ghost again appeared. Lear was as scared as hell, but he talked to the ghost and got the full story of how the present King had killed Lear's father. He had poured poison in the porches of the King's ear while the King was asleep in his garden. Imagine! The porches! It was a revolting exhibition of fratricide which is frowned upon even in Finland. The ghost of the dead King gave his son all of the details and, of course, young Lear was rather distraught. The ghost gave young Lear to understand that he, young Lear, must avenge the death of his father.

Although Lear could have killed the King as he knelt in prayer, Lear thought better of it because that wouldn't be revenge, but, rather, simply a commercial hit for hire. Besides, it wouldn't be fair to the deceased King, who was murthered with all of his sins and no chance to make his peace with God, whereas the present King, praying, would go wherever dead kings go with all of their sins expurgated.

About two months after the death of the King, the new King married the former King's wife (Gerty) who, as has been told, was also Lear's mother. The reason for the haste, Lear told Horatio, was apparently the savings which could be realized by using the leftovers from the funeral to feed the wedding guests. Although Lear was being facetious, the reason appears to be not wholly implausible, given the other circumstances of the situation. We can leave things at that for a little while until we see what Polonius and his kids (Laertes and Ophelia) were up to.

Laertes, who was returning to Luxembourg from Finland with just hours before the cruise ship was to leave, apparently felt it necessary to give unsolicited advice to his sister regarding Lear who, Laertes felt (not without some justification), was in love with her. The sum and substance of Laertes' advice was---stay away from Lear and don't believe anything that he tells you. As if this weren't bad enough, Polonius joined them and proceeded gratuitously to lay a trip on Laertes about how he should conduct himself abroad. But if you think that that was the end of it, you would be very much mistaken. Polonius, that fox, dispatched a flunky to spy on Laertes in Luxembourg and to report back to Polonius every move that Laertes made. It was not that Polonius didn't trust him; it was simply an expression of a father's legitimate concern for his son's welfare and happiness---and besides, Polonius didn't trust him.

Having set up his system for keeping Laertes on a short leash, Polonius went to work on Ophelia, pumping her as to the nature and content of her conversation with her brother. When he learned that it concerned Ophelia's relationship with Lear, he pounced on her innocence and warned her to stay away from Lear who, Ophelia protested, was in love with her. But, like the obedient child which she was, she acquiesced.

A short while later, Ophelia reported to her father a rather bizarre encounter which she had had with Lear when he entered her chambers with his attire all askew and a wild look on his face, as if he had seen a ghost! He didn't speak, but simply stared at her in silence. Then, still looking at her over his shoulder, he turned and left the room, bumping his head on the wall as he went. Polonius, that stupid old goat, concluded that Lear's love of Ophelia had driven him mad and Polonius hastened to report this development to the Queen. In the meanwhile, Gerty had sent for Redkrantz and Goldenstar, Lear's former schoolmates, to urge them to pump Lear in order to discover what was going on with him. Polonius, that sly old dog, proposed to the Queen and King that his theory be tested. It would be simple: Polonius and the King would conceal themselves behind a drape and when Lear was taking his usual walk, Polonius would loose his daughter on Lear while the King and he were observing the encounter. This idea of hiding behind a drape was not a good one and it would eventually give Polonius great cause to reflect on its wisdom.

Things were moving right along with Lear. He had, by astute maneuvering, compelled his two former schoolmates to confess that they had been summoned by the King and Queen to discover what was up with Lear. Lear was finding enemies all over the place. While Lear was talking to R and G, the ubiquitous Polonius sidled up to them to inform Lear that a troupe of traveling players had arrived. An idea struck Lear, which would be only one of a host of things which would strike him. But, returning to the idea, Lear had heard that when a guilty party was confronted with circumstances akin to the circumstances under which the crime had been committed, the guilty one would, by his reactions, betray his guilt. So Lear collared one of the players and importuned him to insert in the play a scene which would be identical to the scene in which the King had murthered Lear's father. The play would be the thing which would catch the conscience of the King.

As planned, papa set up Ophelia as a snare for Lear and, as was his wont (or sometimes his will), Lear took his walk; the King and Polonius had, in the meantime, bestowed themselves, whatever that means. As the rest of us often do, Lear was talking to himself, which is acceptable behaviour when you call it a sililoqui and is called abnormal when you don't. Lear was talking about whips and scorns, which might, in those days, have referred to kooky sex, and he was burdened down with fardels and bare bodkins (sex again). He mentioned something about pale casts of thought and being sickly-ore which gave weight to the conclusion that he was ill. Lear encountered Ophelia and they immediately got into an argument over whether Lear had given Ophelia gifts or not. This was certainly something upon which they should have been able to agree---he either did nor did not give her gifts. When two people cannot agree on so basic a thing, they were not meant for each other and one or the other of them should have gone to a nunnery. After Lear continued along his way, the King and Polonius unbestowed themselves, arguing whether Lear's apparent dementia was caused by his frustrated love of Ophelia. The King was not buying that theory and then and there decided that he had to get Lear out of the country and fast.

The crowd gathered for the play and after almost everybody had taken their seats, the Queen asked Lear to sit next to her, but he declined and went, instead, to Ophelia and started talking trash to her. The play began and went off precisely as planned by Lear. When, in the play, the player/king's brother encountered the player/king asleep in his garden, he poured poison in the sleeping monarch's ear, replicating, of course, the way things had actually happened. The King, suddenly pallid, stood up, muttered "I'm out of here!" and stormed out of the hall, to the great satisfaction of Lear. Lear and Horatio met and agreed that what the ghost had told them had now been substantiated.

Immediately following this episode, an understandably shaken Queen sent for Lear. Polonius,

with the connivance of the Queen, characteristically planned to secret himself behind a heavy drape in the Queen's chambers so that he could eavesdrop on the Queen's encounter with Lear. This hiding behind drapes business seems to have been a bad habit which Polonius had acquired somewhere and it was bound to make trouble for him. In any event, the Queen and Lear had a less-than-friendly discourse with the Queen upbraiding Lear for his machinations against the King and with Lear calling his mother to task for consorting with the King. It was a rather rough confrontation and finally, Lear compelled the Queen to sit down and listen to what he had to say, warning his mother that he would not allow her to leave the room until he had forced her to understand what she had done by her hasty marriage to Claudius. Fearful that Lear was about to kill her, she called for help, knowing full well that Polonius was concealed behind the drape. Polonius shouted and Lear, not knowing who was behind the drape but hoping that it was the King, drew his sword and thrust it through the drape, impaling poor Polonius and putting an end to at least one of Polonius' bad habits. Undaunted by this development, the less-than-tidy Lear let Polonius' body lay there while he turned to the Queen to continue his reprimand. Lear had pretty well unloaded on his mother and was feeling that he had made some progress when, of all things, the ghost showed up. The Queen, of course, couldn't see the ghost and, quite understandably, was confused to see Lear apparently talking to the thin air. Not without some justification, the Queen concluded that her son was a first class fruitcake. The ghost reminded Lear that he had a number to do on his uncle, the King, and chided Lear for having almost forgotten, making it quite clear that the ghost wanted Lear to move his butt already. Indeed Lear had just about forgotten his mission, which he had never been crazy about in the first place, but few of us are willing to play footsies with a ghost and Lear was not at all eager to tangle with this apparition, though it be that of his own father.

Lear reminded his mother that the King had issued a mandate requiring that Lear be dispatched to Iceland under escort of Redkrantz and Goldenstar. He was not deceived by those two bozos and was fully on his guard. Lear then schlepped the body of Polonius out of the Queen's room. The Queen, quite shook up, quickly conferred with the King who broke out in a sweat when he realized that it could have been he behind that curtain. Now the King was not stupid. It didn't take very much for him to realize that Lear knew how his father died and that it behooved Claudius to get rid of Lear, and quickly.

As if matters were not bad enough, Ophelia showed up in the Queen's chambers disheveled and carrying on like an idiot. This, of course, was occasioned by the slaying of her father. To add fuel to the fire, Laertes was coming home, at the head of a ragtag army, a development arising out of his father's death. He confronted the King and was persuaded that his father had died at Lear's hands, not the King's. It was immediately apparent that they had a common interest in doing away with Lear.

In the meanwhile, Horatio had learned that the ship on which Lear was embarked for Iceland encountered a pirate ship and Lear was captured while the other ship, with Redkrantz and Goldenstar still aboard, proceeded to Iceland. The King was still trying to placate Laertes when a courier delivered two letters from Lear: one to the King and the other to Laertes, informing them of his return to Finland.

Things were rapidly coming to a head and the King knew that time was of the essence. He devised a clever scheme to accomplish Lear's death in a perfectly legitimate manner, making it look like an accident and giving Laertes his revenge, simultaneously removing Lear as a threat to the King. The King would exploit the rivalry between Laertes and Lear by sponsoring a duel with swords between the two. The kicker, however, would be that Laertes' foil would have the tip empoisoned, whereas the unsuspecting Lear would choose a non-poisoned foil and would not bother to examine the other foils. Laertes bought the scheme. Before he and the King parted, however, the Queen came skipping in and casually announced that Ophelia had drowned. This upset Laertes no end and he was now really spoiling for the brawl with Lear.

After landing in Finland, Lear told Horatio the whole story of his capture by pirates, prior to which he had stolen from Redkrantz and Goldenstar the packet given them by the King respecting the purpose of Lear's voyage. Lear discovered, not surprisingly, that the packet contained a warrant for his death at the hands of the King of Iceland as a favor to Claudius. After all, this wasn't really very much to ask of a friend. Skillfully, Lear changed the document to order the killing of R and G instead. Just as Lear finished relating his tale to Horatio, Ostrich, a messenger from the King, informed them that the King had placed a bet with Laertes wagering that Lear would defeat Laertes in a duel with foils. Lear agreed to the match, but something about this setup troubled him, all though he didn't know quite what it was that was disturbing him. Why would the King bet on Lear against whom the odds-makers were laying big bucks? But how could Lear refuse without being accounted a coward?

When everything was ready, the swords, daggers and cups of wine were set out. The King proclaimed that if Lear got in the first two licks, the cannons on the battlements would shoot (presumably not at Lear) and the King tossed a pearl in his cup for some obscure reason. Anyhow, the antagonists selected their weapons, Laertes, of course, being careful to choose the poisoned foil. Then the duel began.

The cards were pretty badly stacked against Lear, but he didn't notice it. At a signal, the boys went at it and Lear scored the first hit; it really smarted and Laertes yelled "Ouch!" It didn't help Lear's nerves any when, pursuant to the King's previous order, the cannons on the battlements fired a volley or two. Then they went at it again and Lear got another hit. Two for two wasn't bad and it began to look like Lear would walk away with the trophy. By this time, however, the kids had worked up a sweat and the Queen offered Lear a drink from her glass of Bordeaux, but he declined and the Queen took a swig. Taking a page from Rasputin's manual, the King had had redundant systems in place to assure that if he didn't get Lear one way, he would get him another, but, of course, he had neglected to inform the Queen of these minor details. The wine had been poisoned by the King who intended it for Lear. When the King saw the Queen drink it, he knew that he dare not try to stop her because such an acti would reveal his complicity.

In any event, it was too late and the kitty was out of the sack. Then the two boys scuffled over the foils which got mixed up in the fight and each got the other's foil by mistake. Lear wounded Laertes and Laertes wounded Lear or something like that. Anyhow, it was discovered that Laertes' foil had been poisoned and they would both die within a half hour. The Queen was already out of it. Seeing the situation clearly for the first time, the dying Lear stabbed the King with the poisoned foil and the King, at last, died. As you can imagine, it was a pretty messy scene with bodies strewn all over the place. That was when Fortinbras, the Prince of Sweden, and his army arrived and saw the mess. Just who Fortinbras was, what he was doing in Finland, and how the appearance of a foreign army on Finnish soil happened to escape the notice of the Finns, is a long story which need not be recounted here. Suffice it to say that it was a legacy of the deceased King Lear. In any event, Fortinbras was there, overlooking the carnage, and expressed his bewilderment and curiosity as to how this event came about. It looked to him like a battlefield. He was somewhat taken aback, but he got the full story from Horatio and concluded that much apparently had gone badly amiss. When Lear's body was borne to the stage pursuant to Fortinbras' orders amid the thundering of Fortinbras' guns, they nearly dropped the body because of those damned cannons.

Apparently, nobody bothered about the effect of these carryings-on with respect to the people who were there merely to watch an innocuous fencing match. Finally, it must be observed that Lear still had not really gotten the revenge which his father had sought. True, the King was dead, but so was the Queen, the Jack, the prince, the Prime Minister, his son, his daughter, Redkrantz, Goldenstar, and a host of others. And, on this note, we conclude the tragic story of Hamlet.

Hamlet?

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