He was a comedian by profession who loved his work and delighted his family, friends and colleagues with his easy-going humor. He assiduously avoided humor which disparaged any racial, ethnic or religious group, but his acerbic tongue spared no politician, person of obscene wealth, or great pomposity. In fact, he thoroughly enjoyed leveling such people with his biting wit. He was well-liked by his fellows and was regarded by them as their natural leader. Fortunate was the group which was able to engage him to address them and he never failed to leave them in a far happier frame of mind when they left the hall than when they had entered it. In summary, he was a humorist extraordinaire.

As might be expected, the comedians had what they liked to refer to as their industry association or, as some put it, their trade union. It carried the name "American Jollity Society" which some of its members felt was adequate warning to those who would deal with the Society. It was, at times, difficult to ascertain whether any given action, publication, communication or correspondence had with the Society was a serious undertaking or was merely the result of some officer's sense of humor running amok. Of course, the governing board and the membership liked nothing better than to torment one another and it was considered to be a brilliant triumph if either could leave the other looking foolish. In order to assure themselves that matters would not be taken too seriously too frequently, the Society satisfied itself with a staff which was neither well-trained nor well-compensated. They were required to have nerves of steel and to expect the unexpected. Thus, the fact that the staff was prone to make errors surprised no one and fit in quite well with the nature of its employer. That is not to say, however, that the Society condoned or encouraged substandard work from its staff. It is simply a matter of not knowing what the Society would come up with next. Consequently, the governing board strove to maintain some semblance of dignity, efficiency, accuracy and professionalism. It did not always succeed.

The member whom the Society had selected to address its convention was requested to speak on the subject of jollity in the scientific world. This presented certain challenges because it necessarily required some basic knowledge of the scientific world and at least a rudimentary acquaintance with scientific jargon. But he was not unused to meeting such challenges and there was nothing to warn him that this venture might be unlike any which he had had in the past. The Society's letter of invitation to him to speak should have been sufficient to cause him to be on his guard, but he saw nothing out of the ordinary. A closer scrutiny of the letter, while not appearing on the surface to be necessary, would have revealed that the room which had been designated for the Society's lecture was not, in fact, the room assigned to the Society, but it was, rather, the much larger room reserved for the U.S. Geological Association's convention which would be assembled to hear and discuss developments in the field of geology.

When the lecturer arrived at the hotel where the conventions were being held, he wasted no time in seeking directions because he was immediately confronted with a confusing array of rooms, signs, electronic equipment and the myriad apparatus which is necessary to make such gatherings function. He approached the information desk and asked to be directed to the room mentioned in his invitation which was, of course, not the room where the Jollity Society was assembled, but it was the room where the geological group awaited its lecturer. The Jollity Society's lecturer misunderstood "geology" for "jollity" and, without hesitation, hurried to the wrong room. By strange misfortune, the scholar who had been scheduled to present the Geology Association lecture took sick at the last moment and only a foreign unknown could be secured upon such short notice. It should not have surprised anyone that he, predictably, lost his way and did not arrive until the events which follow had run their course.

The lecturer arrived at the Geology Association's meeting room quite out of breath and was taken by the conventioneers to be the unknown foreign guest who was to substitute for his more recognized colleague. From his opening remarks, which were studded with what he considered to be funny one-liners, the stony silence of his audience and their total lack of response puzzled him and very quickly threw his prepared address into confusion. He tried in vain to evoke some type of reaction. It did not take much intelligence to perceive an uncomfortable atmosphere in the room and he was forced to the conclusion that the effort must be abandoned. He was completely unable to understand what could induce an audience of comedians to behave in this manner unless---no, it would be impossible to involve successfully so many people in a scheme to torment him by a carefully conceived and well-executed conspiracy designed to embarrass him, all in the spirit of humor. He decided that he would accept the challenge, if that was what it was, and play the game his way. But what if this was legitimate and not a conspiracy at all? He couldn't afford the risk of being wrong and he, therefore, determined to play straight and assume that there was a non-conspiratorial reason for his audience's behavior. He decided to involve his audience by engaging in a question and answer session with them in the hope that, by this device, he could ascertain exactly what would interest them. He did not know, at that point, that he would soon become involved in an arcane subject about which he knew absolutely nothing.

Upon his invitation, the first question was propounded.

Questioner #1: "Professor, Siever says that at the high-grade end of the metamorphic facies series, metamorphic rocks become partly melted and thus transitional to igneous rocks. He suggests that these rocks are badly deformed and are contorted and are penetrated by many veins, blebs, and lenses of melted rocks and that this kind of high grade veined gneiss is a migmatite. Do you subscribe to that theory?"

Lecturer: "I have been meaning to discuss that with Siever, but he has not returned my calls."

Questioner #1: "But, Professor, Siever has been dead for 6 years!"

Lecturer: " Oh, too bad. I didn't even know that he had been sick."

Questioner: "He died in an airplane crash."

Lecturer: "Of course. One must be careful how he travels these days."

Questioner #2: "A recent study suggests that each plate-tectonic setting produces its own pattern of igneous rocks: the lava flows and pyroclastics extruded from volcanoes; the batholiths, dikes and sills intruded at depth; and the wide variety of rocks that come from magmas of distinctive compositions following their own routes of differentiation. Do you agree or disagree?"

Lecturer: "Yes, I do. Next question, please."

Questioner #3: "I recently read, in the Journal, that porphyroblasts form where a strong contrast between the chemical and crystallographic properties of the matrix and those of the porphyroblast minerals causes the porphyroblast crystals to grow faster than the slower-growing minerals of the matrix at the expense of the matrix. You..."

Lecturer: "I know what you are going to ask and the answer is 'no'. I disagree with the article for many reasons which we cannot go into here."

Questioner #3: "But sir, I understood that you wrote that article."

Lecturer: "That is the beauty of our profession. We have the flexibility to change our views when we are persuaded that we were in error. I have changed my mind."

Questioner #3: "Since last month?"

Lecturer: "Was it last month? My, time really passes quickly."

Questioner #4: "The Washington Post recently reported that mid-oceans were the sites of seafloor spreading and the extrusion of basalt, which produces new oceanic lithosphere. Several days later, The New York Times said that isolated, submerged seamounts and guyots, volcanic islands, plateaus, and abyssal hills are all accumulations of volcanic rock, most of which are mantled by sediment. Can you comment on that?"

Lecturer: "Well, you seldom find the Washington Post and the New York Times in such sharp disagreement as to the date. You see, they were both

published on the same day, but they were unable to agree on the date. Now, that is embarrassing to the general public which depends on newspapers to give it the correct date. I think that it is disgraceful."

Questioner #5: "In a story printed several months ago in one of our technical magazines, there was a discussion on the geological origination of the earth. The author discussed the extinction of the dinosaurs and the likelihood of a similar catastrophe in the future. He referred to the Powers of Ten principle. What is your opinion?"

Lecturer: "I do not want to be dragged into a political argument in public, but I have my personal opinion. In my private opinion, I think that the Powers of Ten principle is zero, zip, zilch, nada, rien! You see, I know of occasions when they have exercised their powers in an arbitrary and capricious manner and I think that we, the public, should, at the very least, demand that the numbers be reduced to less than ten. That would fix the bastards."

Questioner #6: "The velocities of P waves in igneous rocks are as follows:

Felsic (granitic) 6 km per second
Mafic (gabbro) 7 km per second
Ultramafic (peridotite) 9 km per second

We know from the correlations of wave velocity and rock type that the continental crust consists mostly of granitic rocks, with gabbro appearing near the bottom, and that no granite occurs on the floor of the deep ocean. The crust there consists entirely of basalt and gabbro. Below the crust the velocity of P waves increases abruptly to 8 km per second. Furthermore, the Mohorovicic discontinuity exists there. Have you had occasion to consider that matter?"

Lecturer: "P waves! Oy! What a question. Next."

Questioner #7: "Assuming that groups of carbonate ions are arranged in sheets somewhat like the sheet silicates and are bonded by layers of cations as Dr. Press contends, would you agree that the sheets of carbonate ions in calcite are separated by layers of calcium ions? If we also assume that the mineral dolomite is another major mineral of crustal rocks made up of the same carbonate sheets separated by alternating layers of calcium ions and magnesium ions, would you change your mind?"

Lecturer: "I don't understand why you people are so hung up with rocks. They are pretty, yes, but you people really have a thing going with them. And no, I do not agree with anything Press says or does. Does that answer your question?"

Questioner #8: "But Professor, isn't Press your closest collaborator, your partner and your best friend?"

Lecturer: "Yes. Of course. I was thinking you meant the other Press. It's the other Press who is the real dog, not my friend and mentor."

Questioner #9: "Deposits of outwash from glacial meltwaters take forms such as kames, varve, eskers and kettles. Do you believe that these forms are conclusive?"

Lecturer: "I would need to say a qualified 'yes' and 'no' to that question until there is more evidence one way or the other. I am trying not to mislead you in situations where we need so much more information before I could be confident that I could give you a response that dispels all reasonable doubt."

Questioner #10: "It has frequently been argued that clastic sedimentary environments are those dominated by clastic sediments. Do you agree with that position?"

Lecturer: "If I heard your question correctly, you want to know if classic sentiments dominate sentimental environments. Is that right?"

Questioner #10: "Well, not quite, but I would be satisfied to hear the answer to that question."

Lecturer: "You're funning me, aren't you? Since any high school senior would know the answer to that question, I won't insult your intelligence by responding. But I thank you for the challenge."

Having repudiated what was allegedly his own work, having disparaged a man who his listeners thought was supposed to be his closest colleague and best friend, and having resorted to the use of his acerbic tongue, he decided that enough was enough and, feigning a hoarse throat, he begged his audience to excuse him and thanked them for their "courtesy." But it was too late for that type of tactic now and as he turned to leave the podium, his held fell down to rest on his chest. He began to reflect on what a fool he had made of himself and his organization. As he left the podium in deadly silence, he could sense what was being thought of him. When he was almost off the stage, he heard one person applauding loudly and slowly increasing in speed. He left the building for his hotel with the derision of the single applause ringing in his ears. It would have been better had there been no applause at all. He knew what he had to do.

While these events were unfolding, the Vice President of the Jollity Society set out to locate his colleague who, it will be remembered, was supposed to have given a lecture to the Jollity Society and never showed up, of course, because he was busy dodging bullets at the Geology Association meeting. When, at last, he found out what had happened, he rushed frantically to the Geology Association hall, not daring to even entertain a thought as to what was probably happening in that room. As we know, his fears were well-founded. There was nothing to do now but to take a seat and await developments. He found a seat in the front and settled down to wait out the slaughter. When the lecturer responded to the last question and turned to leave the podium, as we have already seen, the Vice President jumped to his feet and it was his applause that inflicted such pain on the departing lecturer. It was a desperate action by a desperate man.

The person sitting next to the Vice President turned to the latter and demanded to know why the Vice President was applauding when it was so obvious that the lecturer was a phony.

"A phony?" the Vice President asked. "Far from it. You have just witnessed a master craftsman at work, a professional taking on and successfully spoofing an entire audience consisting, for the most part, of experts in their field." The Vice President suddenly discovered that his words were being picked up by the microphone which had been left open inadvertently when the lecturer left the podium, but he didn't care. "I think that he did a remarkable job!"

He thereupon introduced himself as the Jollity Society's Vice President, which is, again, misunderstood as "geology." The critic had no desire to incur the wrath of the man whom he took to be the Association's Vice President and , with good humor and grace, he admitted that he had, indeed, been completely taken in. Rising to his feet, he joined the Vice President in applause. The rest of the audience, who did not wish to appear as if they really didn't know that they were being spoofed, also stood and applauded, assuring one another in low voices, that they knew all along that they were being kidded.

As soon as he arrived in his hotel room, the lecturer sat down at the desk, took out a pen and immediately began to write a letter of resignation from the Jollity Society, apologizing profusely for having held up the Society to ridicule. When that task had been completed, he followed it with an abstruse letter of apology to the Geology Association, expressing regret for any harm which his antics might have caused to the Association, its members, or its dignity and reputation.

He signed both letters, sealed them in envelopes and was preparing to mail them when there was a knock on the door. Annoyed at this ill-timed intrusion, he strode angrily to the door, opened it and beheld a group of about a dozen smiling people, most of whom he recognized as officers and board members of the Jollity Society and the rest of whom turned out to be a delegation of officers and board members of the Geology Association. Their mission was to hail his unprecedented success in having brought some light-hearted humor into what might normally be considered a humorless profession.

The geologists lauded the manner in which he had handled both legitimate questions and contrived questions by the membership. The comedians praised his courage and stamina for having stood his ground in a hostile environment and returned blow for blow in a field which was totally arcane to him. The lecturer smiled, tore up the letters and, strolling over to one of the geologists, said: "Have you heard the one about the geologist who... ."

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