Her grandmother, as it happens, lived alone, but it does not seem to have occurred to either Grandma or Momma that they could profitably live together unless, of course, they simply couldn't get along at all. Moreover, it was whispered that Grandma, who was deeply concerned about her granddaughter's frequent trips into the forest, had offered to rent one of her rooms to LRRH, including meals, in order to curtail the need for LRRH's numerous trips. Grandma and Momma got into one of their frequent arguments about the amount of the rent, Grandma insisting that Momma was trying to "steal" the room and Momma accusing Grandma of setting such a high rent that she knew that her daughter could never afford that BAUD RATE.3

That this might well have been the case is illustrated by an incident which occurred a few years ago when, so it is bruited about, LRRH, then in her teens with all that that entails, demanded that Momma get her a credit card. Momma, despite Grandma's support of the idea, or perhaps because of it, was having none of that and steadfastly resisted LRRH's importunities. The incident became such a bone of contention between them that it came to be known to the neighbors as the DAUGHTERCARD episode. But this did not affect LRRH's undertaking to continue to bring baskets of food to Grandma.

Now, between LRRH's cottage and the little village of SCUZZYPORT, there lay a dense forest which had to be traversed in order to get to Grandma's house, which was situated about a kilometer or two inside the forest. There lived in the forest a furry little animal with big, sharp teeth. This GOPHER would have liked nothing better than to have LRRH for dinner4 and he rarely missed an opportunity to lure LRRH into his lair, but the gopher was not the only one who waited for a chance to have LRRH en brochette. There was, of course, the MOUSE, which was the sine qua non of the whole system because it was constantly on the move, adapted readily to changes and was particularly susceptible to being "clicked" and dragged. Of all of the strange animals in the forest, the oddest of all was, perhaps, the DOGCOW whose greatest contribution to the animal community was the occasional expression of its feelings by a simple "MOOF!" or, upon rare occasions, "Foom!".

One day, LRRH gathered up her apparatus and whipped up a basket of goodies for Grandma. In order to be certain that Grandma would be home when LRRH arrived, she telephoned Grandma and told her that she, LRRH, would leave home in the late morning hours and could be expected to arrive in the middle of the afternoon. She informed Grandma as to the route that she would take. As a precautionary measure to foil any animals who might be lying in ambush along the main trail, LRRH routinely varied her route. What she didn't know, on this particular day, was that the entire conversation had been overheard by one of the large male sheep which frequented the forest. This RAM was not too bright, for he disclosed everything that he had learned to the other animals. Hostile beasts soon lined the entire principal route in profusion like a wolf pack of submarines waiting for a convoy. This feverish activity, however, could not have escaped LRRH's notice and she laid plans to thwart the "wolf pack".

LRRH needed some cooking ingredients to render her foes ineffective. She took along ground garlic, ground red cayenne pepper and onion powder. She then directed her pet rabbit to FETCH the various ingredients and to mix them up into one volatile mixture. He then hopped quietly and unobtrusively down the main path, scattering the preparation carefully along the path behind him. When he had gone about 500 meters, he turned around and headed back down the path, but this time, he skipped along side of the path so as not to disturb the compound in its center.

When he had reached the cottage again, LRRH directed him to go down the alternate route, carefully marking the trees along the new path with chalk so that they could return to the cottage along the same route. When he finished the marking and started back down the chalked route, he found, to his horror, that someone had erased the markings. The bunny thought a moment, then vigorously UNERASED the marks and returned to the cottage. He reported to LRRH that he had encountered several openings in the forest which were so thickly covered with tall weeds that they were virtually impassable. He asked LRRH what he should do. LRRH considered the problem briefly and then replied simply: MODEM!

Now LRRH was ready to go. She adorned herself with her red hooded sweatshirt and BOOTED UP. Then she filled the basket with all kinds of fattening foods. Having decided that she knew the new path well enough not to need the markings on the trees, she DESELECTED them and swung confidently down the path. She had the good sense to retain some of her sneeze mix for use in the event that she found that she was being followed, as indeed she was. When she at last observed that she was not alone, she carefully poured some of the mixture from a large bag into a small perforated one, tied a long string around the neck of the small bag and and trailed it behind her so that she could DRAG it along without giving away what she was doing. A violent sneezing attack coming from someone close behind her satisfied her that she was no longer in danger.

She kept a steady pace over the new trail until she was less than a kilometer from a spot from which she

could see the sea and the tiny village on the opposite shore. Soon she reached Grandma's cottage and and knocked on the door. From within came a rasping voice: "Come in, my dear." LRRH knew that her Grandma was sick, but this voice was something else. Cautiously, she opened the door, but there was no Grandma to be seen . What we know but LRRH didn't, was that at that very moment, a totally exhausted Grandma was limping slowly and painfully homeward with a wolf and a bevy of assorted animals in attendance. LRRH cast about, searching for her Grandma. At last she saw someone in a baby buggy with blankets all but concealing the face. The girl stared at the occupant of the baby buggy and wondered to herself: "Could my Grandma have shrunken so much since the last time I was here? It's funny, but I never noticed just how ugly Grandma really was."

Much had happened since we last considered Grandma's position relative to LRRH's visit. The wolf, whom we have not yet encountered in this narrative, having gotten the word from the wolf pack about LRRH's sortie, was the first to reach Grandma's cottage. He gained entrance through use of the wiles and guiles for which wolves are renown and surprised Grandma, but not for long. When she refused to abandon her cottage to the wolf, he began to CURSOR and that was the point at which she grabbed her broom and started to rain blows on the poor wolf from head to paws. There was no doubt that Grandma had UNINSTALLED the wolf forever.

The gopher happened upon the scene at this point and saw the terrified wolf fleeing with Grandma in hot pursuit and he joined the chase, followed closely by the rabbit, the RAM, the dogcow, the mouse and assorted other animals. Neither the wolf nor Grandma could gain on the other and a solitary fisherman, peacefully minding his own business, was startled to see this crowd, one after another, thundering down the berm and onto the beach, shouting, waving "weapons", and hurling deprecations at the hapless wolf. The fisherman, unaccustomed to such sights, yelled "YAHOOs!" and flung a dead fish at each as they passed by. It was like a scene lifted right out of Prokofiev's "Peter and the Wolf."

The gopher was the first to abandon the chase as he dropped alongside the berm, huffing, puffing, sweating, and asking himself why he was doing what he was doing, He turned about and headed back to the cottage, arriving there shortly before LRRH. In the meanwhile, the exhausted wolf could go on no longer and he surrendered to Grandma. An equally exhausted Grandma collapsed at the wolf's paws and, between gasps, said "I am getting too old for this sort of thing. You want the cottage? You got the cottage." The wolf, initially showing no inclination toward returning to the accursed cottage, finally recommended that they go back there to try to work out their differences. They apologized to one another for their previous misbehavior, Grandma insisting that she was to blame and the wolf claiming that DEFAULT was his.

In the meantime, back at the house to which the gopher had returned after he quit the mad footrace, he found no one there and he set about preparing for LRRH's arrival. He then fixed up a baby buggy as a bed because he would have been lost had he climbed into Grandma's huge bed. At last, LRRH arrived, gently knocked on the door and entered as the unlocked door swung open. She moved toward the bed and, seeing no one in it, she turned to the pram and was startled to find the gopher.

"My, Grandma, what big eyes you have" (as if the sarcastic little wench had never seen her Grandmother's eyes before!).

"The better to hear you with, my dear!"

LRRH figured then that either Grandma was losing it or else that she (LRRH) had simply misunderstood. In either event, she would try once again.

"My, Grandma, what a big nose you have."

"I don't say hurtful things to you, or criticize the stupid things you do."

"What did you say?" queried the confused LRRH. Before the gopher could reply, LRRH, seeking to confirm what she already suspected (nobody ever said that LRRH was a brain!), approached the pram and extended her hand toward what she took to be her Grandma. Suddenly, LRRH drew back with a scream and shouted to the gopher:

"Ouch! You BIT me."

"I did not BYTE you. It was merely a nibble."

Grabbing the first thing at hand which could be used as a weapon, LRRH found herself holding a spray can of insect repellent and she started ZAPPING THE PRAM. This wasn't in the gopher's plans and his situation at this point pleased him not at all. Using uncommon tact, the gopher took to his heels and was not seen again.

When Grandma and her retinue arrived at the cottage, they were nearly overwhelmed by the strong smell of the insect repellent. Grandma was somewhat taken aback and she waited impatiently for an explanation which she knew had to be forthcoming to explain the chaos into which her normally spotless house had fallen. LRRH began to recount the sequence of events which had transpired since she had spoken to Grandma early that morning. Grandma declared that this sort of thing could not be permitted to occur again. She observed that her present living arrangements and those of her Granddaughter made no economic sense and represented an unnecessary security risk. Grandma, LRRH, and the various animals which, for no apparent reason, had become embroiled in this episode, sat down together at the dining room table and INITIALIZED an agreement to live together in peace and harmony.

And so they did.

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