"Good morning, White House Reservations. No, I'm sorry, but Mrs. Clinton's bedroom is not available for guests. No, it isn't a matter of money. I have instructions that ...No, sir...I'm sure that your money is as good as any other Democrat's but I have strict orders that...I'm sorry you feel that way, sir, but I don't believe that your Congressman can help you in this matter. I'm sorry. Have a good day, sir."

"Good morning, White House Reservations desk. The Lincoln Bedroom? I'll check and see. No, it is not available, but I do have another suite on the same floor, if you don't mind the fact that it has had a lot of use in the last several years. Well, let me see. It was heavily used by President Kennedy and President Eisenhower gave it some pretty good use. And, of course, President Clinton has kept it occupied. As you know, President Franklin Roosevelt spent a good deal of time there. Yes, sir, but you'll need to make the financial arrangements at the Democratic National Committee offices. Fine. Have a good day, sir."

"Good morning, White House Reservations. Hmmmm. Let me see what is available. How about The Blair House? Yes, I know that President Truman didn't enjoy his stay there, but that was many years ago. I believe that something can be arranged. Let me check. Ah, I see it. That is going for $150,000. No, I'm terribly sorry, but we do not have Senior rates. No, sir. No, sir. I really don't know if you can get frequent flyer miles. Shall I put you down for one night, sir? Very good, sir. I'm sure that you will enjoy it."

"Good morning, White House Reservations Desk. Camp David? For how many? You want the whole thing? That will be expensive and I can't guarantee the reservations. You will need to provide your own travel arrangements and you will need to put down a substantial deposit. Oh, I see. Well, we will require a minimum of $1,000,000 and a financial statement. You say that you'll take it? I think that you should understand, however, that if things go amiss internationally, it might be necessary to ask you to vacate immediately. Is that satisfactory? May I ask who is calling? Oh, the Chinese Embassy! All right. Yes. No. Yes. No, we won't let the FBI know about it. Thank you for calling. Have a good day."

"Good morning, White House Reservations. When did you make your reservations? Have you made your donation yet? Oh, I see. Well, that is probably the reason that you have not gotten a confirmation letter yet. How much is your gift? Oh, about $100,000? Is it wrapped well? Good. No, I can't accept it. This is on Government property. I suppose that you could drop it off on the sidewalk outside of the fence, but this is the District of Columbia that we are talking about and I would expect it to disappear long before our people could get to it. I suppose that you could take it to Virginia and drop it off. Dulles Airport? Yes, I imagine that that would work, but I thought that Dulles was located on Federal property also. Really? I never thought of that. You would get aboard a flight that has an overwater route and drop it out of the plane over the Atlantic? No, sir, I don't think that it would work, especially the part about the Secret Service men sitting in the inner tubes in the Atlantic waiting to retrieve the package. You could take a flight to Heathrow, but then you would have to get it to our Embassy in London and both the embassy's car and the embassy are Federal property. It seems to me that what you will have to do is to deliver the package to the embassy of a nation with which we have no diplomatic relations. I see. Yes. But you don't think that it will work, right?

You could mail the package to Libya, Iran, or Iraq, without a return address and ask them to hold it at General Delivery for pickup by some neutral country such as Bosnia. You might even ask Arafat to handle it---he'll do almost anything to win our support. Perhaps you could book passage on the QE-2 and when she was outside the 12-mile limit, the package, wrapped in waterproof bags and flotation gear, could be cast overboard and...you don't think that would work out so well, do you? I doubt that anybody would recognize you, but if you are concerned about that, you could lease the entire ship. Why don't you

think it over and call me when you have reached a decision?

"Good morning. White House Reservations. Oh, this is the front gate? You say that there is a truck out there that has a delivery to make? What is it? A ton of what? Well, who ordered it? Oh, I see---it's a gift. Well, tell them that the White House is on Federal property and we cannot accept it here because it could too easily be construed as an effort to influence the donee. Who is it consigned to? Socks? Well, I'm afraid that that doesn't change a thing. It would look like Socks was on the take to peddle influence in the White House and we have enough problems now without getting Socks involved. They will simply have to take it back and that's final!"

"Good afternoon, White House Reservations desk. How may I help you? Oh, I didn't realize that this was also an outgoing line. Oh, hello, sir. I didn't know that it was you who was making outgoing calls on this line. Have you been having any luck? Yes, I suppose that it is tough in these times when the Republicans are constantly looking over our shoulders. I know, I know. It will turn out OK. Please don't cry anymore Mr. Vice President. Yes, I know that it has tarnished your image as Mr. Clean, but the electorate has a short memory and when the 2000 elections come, they will have forgotten everything. Yes, I remember Ed Muskie, but who else remembers him now? Well, maybe the Attorney General can come up with something. Oh, I agree with you, sir. If anybody can get us out of this mess, it would be she. She will find some way to make it legal and ethical and...trust me!...it will end up being something that it ain't."

"Good afternoon. White House Reservations. What? I'm sorry, but I can't hear you. There is too much noise coming from upstairs. You can hear it too? That's Chelsea and her friends having a party. That Rock and Roll music can drive a person crazy. I said that that music can drive a person crazy. What? Oh, never mind. How can I help you? You want one night in the White House for a family of four? I think I have the perfect accommodations for you. I said that I have the perfect accommodations for you. How about Chelsea's room? No, Chelsea will be away at school by that time. All right, Chelsea's room is confirmed for four on the tenth.

"Good afternoon, White House Reservations desk. Your Government at your service! You want what? You're putting me on! I have never heard of such a thing. That sounds downright sick to me. Yes sir, I can understand that you want something out of the ordinary, but out-of-the-ordinary is one thing. This is something else. What was that? You'd be willing to donate how much? Ah, yes. I see---that makes a difference. All right, I will try to arrange a trip down Pennsylvania Avenue for you in the same hearse used for the presidents and other high- ranking officials, but I want it to be clear to anyone who asks that this was not my idea. Yes, sir. Glad to help. Enjoy your ride!"

"Good afternoon, White House Reservations. Ah, no sir, I am sure that we cannot do that. You certainly understand that the Oval Office is in constant use and is a vital part of the Government . I understand that you would only want to use it for one day, but you must realize the impossibility of doing what you ask. Yes, sir, that is a lot of money which you are offering, but the answer is still "No!". Well, give my regards to Mrs. Dole."

(Sigh) "Good afternoon, White House Reservations. You want to go on a fishing trip? Sir, I don't think that we handle fishing trips. You are willing to donate how much? For a fishing trip? Come on, now, what's the catch? That was only a joke, sir. I am being serious. Why would you be willing to pay that much for a lousy fishing trip? Aha! I thought so. No, sir, you cannot have the use of the USS Kennedy for your fishing trip. I don't care if you do know the Chief of Naval Operations. That's where the White House draws the line. That's just another joke, sir. Pardon the levity. I wish I could help you. Yes, sir. Good luck!"

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