I have tried to discover where the problem lies which has so panicked the community of scientists that they are fleeing in droves to undiscovered villages in the remote regions of Africa. So far, I have not come up with any problems which warrant such behavior and, furthermore, I have found several simple solutions. My advice to those who are building concrete shelters well below ground is DON'T WORRY!

The first solution can be found by the application of a few basic principles of Introductory mathematics. For example:

e = mc2 and, of course, Y2K

It is obvious that we first factor out the 2s from both sides of the equation, leaving us with the equation: e = mc and YK. But doesn't it strike you that if Y2K stands for Year Two Thousand, somebody has misspelled "thousand?" The correct initial of the word "thousand" is, of course, "T" Therefore, when corrected, we have:

e = mc and Y2T

Since "c" is the third letter of the alphabet, we can work out the formula by subtracting "3" from both sides, but that leaves a "1" for the value of the Y2T side of the equation and because you cannot multiply by "1," the result is e = m and YT. Subtract Y from both sides and that leaves e = m and T. Simply discard the "T", leaving "e = m", but we know that "e" cannot equal "m" because "e = mc2", so that gives us zero and we can do anything we want with zero, including putting it aside to dry and to be ready for use the next morning when needed.

Another solution, not quite so complex, is to marshal all people and animals in the household and to post one of them in front of each clock. Each man, woman, child, dog, cat, goldfish and bird will be charged with the duty of changing his/her/its clock to reflect the correct time when ordered to do so. When the signal is given, the guards will leap to their battle stations and at precisely 12:59 AM (PM will also do nicely) December 31, 1999, will change each clock within its area of responsibility.

It is imperative that absolute secrecy be maintained throughout this operation lest somebody overlook a clock and mess up the whole scheme. Once this massive correction is made, severe penalties will be imposed on violators.

If Congress can turn back the official clock when it is rushing to adjourn, why can't everybody do it? The problem would be in getting Congress to act on anything, let alone anything as vital as the time of day. Somebody is going to have to persuade the Congressmen who come from earlier time-zones that they will, indeed, be working in the same year as their colleagues (this might be a new experience for many of them who are from the Eastern states.The apprehension is, after all, predicated on the year, not the hour of day or day of the week. Since nobody really counts the number of timepieces and calendars which would be affected, nobody can prove anything and we could go along our merry way, continuing to relive 1999 or else to hold the Year 2000 in reserve, as we please. In any event, people would probably not even miss 2000 because, at the rate that Congress moves , Y2K would be a fait accompli .

Perhaps the simplest and most effective method for resolving the question (and it is not entirely clear that there is any question to be resolved) would be to by-pass 1999 until 2000 and (assuming that everyone had the foresight to save their 1999 calendars) retrieve those calendars which, by this time, would have increased many fold in value. This, of course, would represent the first dividend on a promising year and, you will agree, Congress is very good at promising.

You could simply ignore 2000 and mentally add or subtract a year, depending on which will end up to your advantage.There is also under consideration a system of starting the year from the back of the calendar and working forward so that the months meet in the middle of the year. Every child has the capability of adding or subtracting one, making this system the favorite of many scientists because of its simplicity. The requirement that the calculations be done mentally is the result of a national demand for privacy. That way, nobody will know what anybody else is doing and that can only work to the advantage of the Government. After all, hasn't it worked for more than a century?

What can happen in Y2K and what can you do about it? What comes to mind first is that, at the end of the year, all computers will go "POOF" and disappear. This decidedly has an appeal of its own: families would be compelled to live together again, to engage in intellectual discussions, to learn to use a typewriter or at least to know what a typewriter is, and to relearn English without resort to the computer jargon.

The effect of the advent of Y2K need not be quite so drastic, but the scientists whose business it is to protect us from God knows what, are chasing about in a fashion not calculated to inspire confidence. The stockbrokers, for instance, are all in agreement that dire consequences await clients who are heavily invested. Their advice in a crisis such as that which we are experiencing now consists of recommending one or more of the following three courses of action: (1) Buy; (2) Sell; or (3) Do Nothing. I cannot imagine how the onset of Y2K will change that.

We are told that, as a result of Y2K, there will be a shortage of nurses. How can that be? The following example will do to illustrate how the fears might be justified. A college professor's home computer will show on its screen that the year that we are in is 1900 instead of 2001. Just how that comes about we are not told; you simply must take certain things on faith. The professor's calendar is wrong and therefore his calculations as to what courses he will teach in the following semester are defective.

Considering that interest in agriculture is high among the students in the Mid-West colleges, students who had selected other majors will change to the more popular earth sciences courses. This situation, in turn, results in over-enrollment of the agricultural courses and a sharp increase in the number of drop-outs. A pool of non-graduates will inevitably build up until there is a glut of both college graduates and non-graduates The pool of agricultural students (non-graduates as well as graduates) will grow, but new undergraduates will face intense competition for the few remaining seats in the agricultural schools. They will be under similar pressure by their counselors, deans and parents to enroll in a professional school such as law, dentistry, pharmacy, or nursing.

However, since it is axiomatic that these parties are seldom able to agree on anything, the student will go his/her own way and to demonstrate their independence, will enroll in any school which is not a professional school and-yes-this inevitably causes a shortage of professionals such as nurses.

In order to avoid panic, the American Red Cross has published a list of emergency measures which you can take to assure survival. For example, the ARC suggests that you:

’Ä¢ stockpile bottled water in quantities sufficient for a week or more as well as nonperishable foods and an ample supply of prescription and non-prescription drugs;

’Ä¢ have a supply of cash on hand (the purpose of which is rather obscure);

’Ä¢ keep the gas tank in your car more than half-full;

’Ä¢ in case of a power failure, keep plenty of flashlights and extra batteries on hand (do not use candles for illumination);

’Ä¢ if your smoke alarms are hard-wired into your home's electrical system, check to be sure that you have battery backup.

The instructions go on to direct that if you are going to use a portable generator, you should be prepared to relocate to a shelter for warmth and protection in case the power failure turns out to be a prolonged one. Finally, check with the manufacturers of essential computer-controlled equipment to ascertain whether fire and security alarm systems, programmable thermostats, electronic locks and any other equipment in which an "embedded chip" may control its operation. These instructions should provide you with comfort and reassurance.

Finally, you should know that the simplest solution is to wait until the turn of the century and when your calendar shows precisely December 31, 1999, throw it away, buy a used 1999 calendar and Voila!

So, where is the problem?

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